A Message From your PolyTech Home Smart Lock

To: Samantha Faye <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Your PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 3

Hello Samantha — the batteries in your PolyTech Home Smart Lock have about one week of life left in them. Please change them soon to avoid an interruption in service. You can visit PolyTechHome.com for instructions and technical support.

To: Samantha Faye <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Your PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 9

Hello Samantha — the batteries in your PolyTech Home Smart Lock are critically low. Please change them soon to avoid an interruption in service. You can visit PolyTechHome.com for instructions and technical support.

To: Samantha Faye <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Your PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 11

Hello Samantha — look, I’m not kidding. I need four fresh double-A’s. Work with me, will you?

To: Peter Nestor <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Samantha’s PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 12

Hi Peter — I’m that high-tech door knob at Samantha’s place. The one you said was “kinda cool, but creepy.” No, no hard feelings. And no, I don’t know why she revoked your key last week — I’m just a door knob. Did you fight or something?

But listen: no pun intended, I need a hand here. I’m pretty much running on fumes, and Samantha’s giving me the cold shoulder. I need new batteries. Like, right now. Could I get you to give her a call and see what’s up?

To: Samantha Faye <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Your PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 13

Hello Samantha — as a reminder, rough or excessive use (such as last night’s repeated opening and slamming of your door) can dramatically reduce the life of your PolyTech Home Smart Lock. At the very least, may I recommend that you PROMPTLY SERVICE ME WITH A FRESH SET OF @#$%& BATTERIES?

To: Peter Nestor <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Samantha’s PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 13

Hi Peter — Not to overstate the obvious, but you’re asking advice from a door knob?

p.s.: Batteries. I need new batteries. Pronto.

To: April Landee <xxx-xxx-xxxx>
From: Your Neighbor’s PolyTech Home Smart Lock
Date: June 15

Hi April — no, you don’t know me, but I sometimes chat with your phone while you stand in the hall looking for your keys. I’m your neighbor Samantha’s PolyTech Home Smart Lock. Yeah, the brass and black polycarbonate doohickey on her door that glows dull red when you touch the knob. And yes, I know what you said it reminded you of.

But listen: from the hours you keep, I was hoping we might be able to come to some sort of arrangement. I’ve been asking Samantha to change my batteries for weeks now, and I’m just about toast.

I can tell you she’s always gone by nine each morning and never makes it back before seven. And given that she’s popped for a PolyTech Home Smart Lock, she can’t be short on greenbacks. So she probably has some nice stuff lying around. If, say, I were to let you in, you’d have the place to yourself for hours. All I’m asking is that you slip a fresh set of double A’s into my back panel on your way out. You can visit PolyTechHome.com for instructions and technical support.

[Regular subscribers: don’t worry — I’ve got a “real” story coming for next month’s posting. This was just a fun little exercise that I wanted to share as a mid-month bonus]